Sorry but Depression Barbie doesn’t make the cut.
As it was one of the few things I had planned to look forward to this summer, I got to see the Barbie movie opening weekend and it was pretty much everything I could ask for. This is not a review of the Barbie movie, or a discussion about any of the plot points. No, this is a piece reflecting on a comment a coworker made to me after she was able to see an early screening of the film a week before everyone else. She said, “It’s not a spoiler, but at one point in the movie there is a Depression Barbie and she is so you.”
I know I don’t have an incredibly sunny disposition and generally a very negative outlook on life, but this is still a weird thing to say to someone you work with! But I wasn’t about to be mad just yet — I have integrity and I have to see this scene before I can be the judge. Now I have seen the movie and I’m going to judge: the Depression Barbie, while very “hashtag relatable” is not me at all! I would never binge the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. It is far too long! (My comfort movie is Bridget Jones’s Diary, which admittedly is also a Colin Firth vehicle. So I think depressed people really just like Colin Firth and that stink face he makes when he’s supposed to be in love). I also never wear sweatpants, but I do dress like I’ve crawled out of a cave, so I’m not going to get too technical about that.
After asking my friends if Depression Barbie is “so me” (it’s not), I started to think about what kind of Barbie would be me. This article would be a lot more fulfilling if I knew how to do Photoshop and included visuals, but you’re just going to have to use your imagination. This is mostly a text medium for a reason!
Chronic Bacterial Vaginosis Barbie
This Barbie keeps getting BV for no reason! In the box she is wearing a pair of cute silk underwear that is going to be the catalyst to all of Barbie’s problems. You can then change her into the ugliest giant cotton panties and give her a pack of antibiotics that will only cause her to get a yeast infection after the process. Not included: daily probiotics, carton of cranberry juice, and…