Horoscopes for Cancer Season

Even though it’s been hot as shit in these parts for a while, Sunday, June 20 is officially the first day of summer — and that means it’s also Cancer season, baby! As a resident Cancer myself, this is obviously my favorite time of year because this month is all about me (not really but I would like to think it is). Soak up the sun this summer, but also soak up those tears. It’s not a proper Cancer season unless you’re crying a good amount of the time. But also have fun and be wary of the moon!

Aries
You will get a message from someone you kind of only know a little. They’re going to reveal that they’ve secretly been in love with you for years. This person is extremely hot so you are completely unable to notice any of the glaring red flags. After a bit of chatting, they will tell you that they want to fly out and see you immediately, but they have no money to do so. Already in love with this mystery beauty, you give them your credit card. Almost instantly, they delete their profile and you no longer have any money.

Taurus
There will be a superpowered villain coming into town, and it’s going to be up to you to save everyone. But, as you will soon find out, you cannot take on this task alone — you must rely on the power of your friendships to give you the strength to succeed. That being said, call your friends sometime just to catch up.

Gemini
Sometime this month, when you’re going through your junk mail a random postcard advertisement will catch your eye. It will say something about a one-day study that pays $500. You’re always into getting some extra cash, so you set up an appointment. The actual study has weird vibes when you get there, but you immediately pass out. When you wake up you can see new colors. You don’t know what they did to your brain, but now you can, like, understand the whole universe. This seems cool at first, but it’s kind of a big thing to push on you for just a few hundred dollars.

Cancer
Happy birthday Cancer! This Cancer season is all about you, and things are starting to look up! You’ve been suffering enough lately, and it’s time for that to stop and for you to feel appreciated. Even if you’ve never been loved enough to know what it’s like to feel the touch of another person, things will change for…