Your Weekly Horoscope Based Off Every Horoscope I Have Ever Read in My Life 4/29/19–5/5/19

We are still very much in Taurus season, so everything appears to be beautiful. At the same time, we now have three planets in retrograde. Jupiter is retrograding in Sagittarius, so you’ll be given some celestial insight on your path to self discovery. At the same time, Saturn and Pluto retrograde in Capricorn is going to judge the hell out of you.

Also this week, we’re going to experience a new moon, and as Troy and Gabriella say in the first musical number of High School Musical, it’s the start of something new. This week, I’m taking a bit of a break from giving you the most accurate astrological reading that I can to instead give you a summary of what every sign’s horoscope is when I read other, less good horoscopes.

Aries (3/21–4/19)
You’re going to rule the world some day, but everyone will secretly hate you. But that doesn’t matter because you hate them too.

Taurus (4/20–5/20)
Wow look at you Taurus! You’re amazing, just keep doing what you’re doing and everything in life will go great for you because you’re just that fricken great!

Gemini (5/21–6/20)
Things are tough right now but you’ll make it out okay.